Thoughts from Midnight
I got out of bed to write this but felt afraid to post
For some reason, I’m still stuck on the idea that my “personal brand” needs to be “polished, professional, and selectively vulnerable so as not to upset anyone” which is…just internalized shame & fear of the surveillance state. so, in 2026, I’ll be posting more stuff like this. I may later unpublish it or lock it behind a paywall. but coming to terms with the way my brain works has meant doing less and doing more at the same time. discovering that I have OCD on top of autism makes stuff like this extra challenging - but what have I got to lose?
[ Late 2025 ]
And so the autistic first born daughter was encouraged as a child for being witty, smart, funny, curious for her age. She was celebrated and praised for her wisdom beyond her years and the way she wanted to understand the world around her.
then, the justice driven teen who was no longer afraid to upset the power structure around her, challenged authority, and was dismissed for being too young and bold to know what she was talking about. She talked back when they tried to humble her, and began to understand the world was not quite as friendly and kind as she was led to believe.
in their 20’s, it became abundantly clear that no longer were they given the gift of patience when interacting with Others. they no longer held the appeal of a smart young person and now seemed like a know it all, an imposter, why havent you conformed to your roles yet, person. so they went to see as much of the world as they could, hoping to find some answer as to why the world was the this way now.
in their 30’s, they are silent. Not because they’ve been silenced, but because, so many do not understand them when they speak. What was a quaint, adorable trait as a child has developed into something grotesque to the common mind. and I don’t mean any subtext or implications with the word common, either, only that it’s abundant, and so many people think in that same way, that it is common. see? ive already overexplained something in an attempt to ensure you understand me, reader. did it work?
I’ve changed too, in the thrity-ish years I’ve had consciousness, and it’s quite clear that the world is not designed for people like me. but I’d like to ask, that very same question I’ve asked a million or more times by now - one word that can send people into a fit of rage - or - a wonderful expression of self, accompanied with warmth and interesting tidbits of personality;
Why?
it’s something I think we’re severely lacking in modern times. a sense of curiosity. Obviously that is not autistic specific - and i don’t mean for this essay to be such. I only wish that now, as an adult, with the mind and experiences and opinions as such, I was offered the same courtesy as I was as a child, learning and exploring the world around me.
i think we should all have a bit more curiousity in our lives. to know realities beyond our own. stop being afraid to ask questions.
I think so many of us (especially the artistically inclined) find ourselves victims of unintentional toxic positivity that leads us to become bitter and jaded as an adult when we find that same kindness and encouragement has an age limit.
If you were like me, your parents constantly told you if you worked hard and remained kind you'd get far in life. You were told people were nice, it was easy to make friends and you just had to put yourself out there. I realized in high-school this wasn't the case.
As an adult I offen find myself dead staring children in public or TV being praised for the same thing I can do but as an adult we are told we are supposed to do xyz in the first place so we shouldn't get a pat on the back for it.
Living in a society where things are given roles and expectations is the reason people don't like being questioned. I suppose I wouldn't lime to be asked "why" either when I have no genuine answer outside of "because that's how it is".
Stay curious, even if it makes others uncomfortable. When you find someone willing to answer that "why" and even talk about it, you've found your people/person.